Saturday, August 14, 2010

in reply to Alex

i cant find your message hahaha i'm sooooo sorry, baby. >.<

my reply;

when you said it like that, yeah, i guess i'm just a bit stupid haha i just cant live without my stupidity. Alex, tell me why i'm like this. why? T___T i cant understand why i would always just always forgive people. yeah, i guess its hard to be bad. =[

i think i'm okay. i'm just, very tired. =[ and no one seems to understand. it's hard, yeah but i have to just live with it. =[ there's a time when i thought everything is really too much for me. i thought of just biting my wrist off but then i cant coz i have so many things to do. and i cant die yet.

alex, i missed you T___T sorry i didnt reply to your messages earlier, i was busy. i really am. but i am happy everytime i got your messages. they are love <3 and i love it when you always make me happy ^^

yeah, I'M SO FREAKING IN LOVE WITH ZE:A NOW! xDDD ahhh, you need to listen to them, they're cool and they're just super cute <33333 i dont know how to live without them. haha. which reminds me, i still have to practice more to be like them. i needed a vocal lesson and dance lesson but i dont know how where and when to get it.

i got so much love love <3 haha you know if i dont have my bf i'd jump on you :P <333

i want you, boy

ahhh... so many stupid issues, i think.

1. i'm so fucked up. i didn't mean it but he took that differently. wae? wae? i know, sometimes i know, i flirt with them, the customers but i didnt want it go as far as calling and talking and going out with them. thats just so wrong.

2. if ZE:A did come to Malaysia, the tickets will cost about RM5oo. With 3 person going, me, Taera, n my mom, what Geno-kun gave me would not be enough... what to do now? T__T

3. i think i told him not to post any love related post on my WALL but why did he still do it? why? i thought i'm easy to be understood. but i guess, not. i'm tired with those looks they gave me at school. i hate it, really. it's not like i'm showing off the fact that i DO have a bf but he just have to do that. and i'll have to live with it. =[

4. i find it hard to talk to him again. haha. weird. everytime i talked to him, i remembered this, "i cant talk about korean boys, i cant talk about them, i cant tease him, i cant spazz with him, i cant ask his help, i cant share what im feeling. i cant do anything." and thats hurting me. i dont know. probably because half of my life is centered there, i feel like half of myself are missing when i'm with him. but i love him and he's practically the other half. i dont know anymore.

5. another issue about ZE:A. if they are attending the Hallyu Dream Festival, then they wouldnt come to Msia. NO. I DONT WANT THAT. PLEASE COME TO MALAYSIA. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH. i find myself really bothered by this. and i find myself crying. i just really wanted them to come. my wish... please come true. Malilith, please dont torture me like this anymore. you know it hurts, it fucking hurts. i knew you knew. you just like to torture me, dont you?

yeah.. i guess i'll just stop there.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

anger management

maybe i needed that. really. i get angry easily and i think i'm angry just because taera pull off some face at me.
and i dont need to explain further.


i need to learn how to control my anger.

kamsahabmida, thank you.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

what should i do with this month paycheck

okay, since i'm obviously lacking too many useful brain cells to remember some stuff, i'd figured i'd write this one down. haha. just for my personal preference.
to those who're reading, please ignore me haha
i know YOU're READING, alex. you've always been my loyal stalker, you creepy head. just dont bother me later haha. btw, ILU <333 Thanks for being there, always <3

okay. what i really need.

- shower cream
- shampoo
- hair conditioner
- facial foam
- face moisturizer
- skin moisturizer
- pay my old bill (dang, i'm gonna lose lots here T___T)
- pay my school tuition fees (here too... T___T why?????)
- Wooyoung photobook (yes, it's in NEED)
- new school shoes

what i want.

- Nickhkun wristband
- lipgloss
- hair curler
- hair mask
- sling bag
- small bag for my brother
- new shoes? yeah
- ah! Big Bang's new DVD!
- ice cream :DDDD

and everything in my wish list. haha

btw, today is the first day of the fasting month. so, yeah today, i'm fasting haha
so, in fasting month, i'll have to keep these things in check.

1. dont talk dirty (a hard task? well when i'm with my fangirl group mwahahaha.)

2. dont think dirty stuff (even harder haha. esp when i'm looking at Dongjun's abs or Kevin's chest.. fghjsdbvshj ahhh.. there we go again. so, Kevin and Dongjun should be banned! haha. Wooyoung too! safe idols to stalk... lemme see...
-Hyungshik? (no.. eventhough he's cute... sometimes... he look damn hot *drools*)
-Teen Top members (yeah. coz they are too young, i dont feel a thing watching them hahahaahaha!)
-Dongho (awww... cute Dongho is completely safe to drool over ^^)
-Minhwan (yeah :D)
and more? haha if i keep on listing, it will be ten whole page kekekeke
lets do the idols you shouldnt watch now hehehe
-2PM members. yeah. definitely cant. coz they're all hot. with their hot bods, muscles, abs, and expression.. gahhh no way i can resist. T_T
-ZE:A members. too haha maybe except Minwoo? (oh Ila, stop staring at their chest and their thigh!!!!)
-MBLAQ. damn. ever since Joon shows his bareback and his shower shots, I cant think other thing when i saw him other then... smex :PPPP but i guess seungho and GO is safe kehkeh
ahh I'm getting lazy so this ends here. not to mention im thinking stuff that i shouldnt haha

3. dont listen to dirty stuff (that reminds me not to listen to MIROTIC. but i love that song D: WHY???? T_T I wanna hear their voice and sexy dance in the vid. XIAH, YOU'RE HOT DOING THE DANCE even when I love Jaejoong the most mwahahahahaha)

4. dont stare at food for too long. (yeah... coz i love eating.. fasting is hard for me D:)

5. no writing porn or smut. (WHYYYYYYYYY? WAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE????? i still have a fic to finish... T_T)

6. dont read smut (WAEEEEEEEE??? T___T NOOOOOO)

7. make sure that you completed all of your prayers. (dear God, i'm sorry i'm such an unfaithful follower T__T i will do my best this month)

8. dont complain (ahhhh but i need to complain to release my stress T____T)

9. always smile and do good deeds (i will... try...)

10. make sure you never cheat (this one is easy ^^)

ending my rambling.. haha so many things to check ughhhh
with school and work... and online works... i'll die soon.
if only money comes to me... T_T then i wouldnt have to work... maybe i should marry a rich guy. or maybe get a sugar daddy for that matter mwahaahahahahaha <----materialistic bastard

Monday, August 9, 2010

in reply to Genokun

since FB won't allow me to message, you'll have to read my reply here.

your 1st part

"i know you must be really mad at me right. and theres nothing i can really do o change that. sorry is never enough. idk why i always mess things up. i guess i was mad cause you keep teasing me. i know you love me but it still hurts when you do sorry i cant handle it nd hurt your feelings. its too much to ask from you to show love for me. i know its hard for you. im so inconsiderate of your feelings only worried of mine. sorry for being selfish that way. im not doing a good job of loving you now am i? i always make you feel bad. i have no excuse. i am wrong. and its okay to hate me. i hope you can forgive me for keep doing this to you. i guess the truth is that i rea"

my reply:

i'm not mad at you. i'm just disappointed. i guess too much disappointment makes me feel like i'm nothing... well, maybe that's just me. i'm not the type that could accept rejection easily. i'm the loyal type. since i'm loyal, it's hard for me to actually get over things easily. i'm the type that would grudge and hate but i'm also the type that would hate but love at the same time. i'm the type that gets all my emotions mixed up and yes, like i said before, maybe you're just unlucky to have someone like me.
i'm like a sick bomb that would explode anytime. thats probably because i have too many mixed emotion inside. but i wouldn't expect you to understand it or even me.
because i've given up.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. except Malilith. and Fye.

and there is it. i know you probably don't like hearing that but that's just the truth. no one likes hearing that but no one understands me. i'm sorry for being like this. i'm sorry that i'm so hard to be understood. but sometimes, as long as you get my little hints here and there, you should know just how much i love you. maybe you just... never notice.
i'm not the type who speaks her feeling or mind out loud that much. just sometimes. and to me, feelings are personal so i'm not into expressing it much. but i hinted. alot. if only you know just how much i hinted for you.

about teasing. i only tease people who i liked. i didn't tease people who aren't close to me as much. maybe thats just one way to show my love. because i love you, i always tease you. because i love taera, i always tease her. i even go as far as making her cry sometimes. but if you're not okay with teasing, i'll stop it. then, dont blame if i sounded cold or something. if i did, i didn't mean it. the only time when i feel warm is when i'm teasing. and dont ever complain after this when i dont tease you anymore.

and your message ends just where i copy it. you write too long, facebook cut it.

your 2nd part

"okay. im scared right now ilachan. im so afraid of losing you. im probably dissapointing you more than making you happy. i fear that youll just leave me because you hate me aand wanna punish me because of what happen before. i fear that since you know i want you so bad youll just toy with me till your bored. thas why you tease so much. maybe you relly enjoy it. i really hope you dont but everyday you keep pushing and pushing i get more scard andthen it becomes hard to hide. i dont get why it isnt and easy as before for you to show affection for me. why its too much to ask of you. idk why i have a hard time excepting that. i know its suppose to take time but im so uneasy wit"

my reply;

when i read this one, i guess i am more disappointed than before. with what you said. with how you think.
i know that feeling of insecurity. i did that too. sometimes i'm scared that i will be alone. and that includes of scared of you leaving me. but i hate that line, where you're afraid that i'll just leave you i'm TOYING with you. i never did that. maybe the way i'm treating you makes you feel like that but i never even think about that. and that's why reading this message... just...


it hurts more than you could ever imagine. hah, i dont think you could imagine. it feel as if you never believe me. i feel like an idiot now. and i'm starting to regret loving you. just because of that one. word.
sometimes i wonder why do i have to feel. why do i have to know what is love and why do i have to hurt when small things rise. when you left before, i did try to forget how i feel. i tried so hard to let go of my emotions and just stop. loving.
and i did.
but i was soulless. i dont feel. it's a calm world where nothing matters anymore. i hurt myself physically and it just... doesnt hurt anymore. and because i dont feel. i dont know how others feel. i saw taera crying but i dont feel a thing. i refuse to feel. i even make my mom cry. alot. she just had my youngest brother that time. and i broke her heart by refusing to go to my hometown. she cried, infront of me. asking me why did i turn to be like that and why i'm not like who i used to be. that time i felt nothing. so i ignored her and she cried. again and again. she blames herself for it. but i dont care. at all. but i guess, i'm not strong enough to hold everything in. maybe i'm just too weak. because when i was about as cold as the stone, i met someone.
and he's my idol for the rest of my year until he's set into hiatus.
then i met those jrockers and i decided to not make my mom cry again. it must have hurt her so much. i learn how to smile again. i learn how to cry again and i learn how to feel again. and as you know at last i found those korean idols.
really, they might seem like nothing to you but i'm not afraid to say that they are my motivation to live and to study. i wanted to make them proud. i do. even when it sounds so stupid to other's ears. idols are artist that inspire people and i am inspired by them.i dont think you understand how i feel. its okay. you dont have to.

i'll end that there. you dont like me talking about my boys. im sorry.

but yeah, it hurts when you said something like that. so freaking much.
just. hurts.

your 3rd part

"seems im not getting through to you. why am i so worthless to you? im sorry im not good enough to be on the top of your list. i still love you above anything else. i guess ill just have to live with that fact. i hate it but ill try harder. im sorry im not able to take it the wayyou want me two. im sorry i want your love for only me. i thought if i give you all of mine youd do the same. im sorry for always pressuring you. i put too much stress on you. it shouldnt be like that. so sorry being with me cause you trouble. idk what else to do. im begging you to find more time for the one who loves you ilachan......(i meant me btw) sorry."

my reply;

if you're worthless, i wouldnt date you. i wouldnt even give you a chance. we both know, we both do, that we both copuld have someone else. you can have any girl you want back there. and i can have any boy i wanted here. you have looks, you're nice, you can hook up with any girl you wanted. i know there would be some girls who wanted to get their hands on you. i know there are girls who WAITED for you. and i could do the same too. i HAVE people who waited for me. i can just date with some random rich guy if i want to. since my university is full of stupid rich brats. i could do that. but did you ever think why did i choose you? did ever consider that?
i guess you just cant accept my hobby, my dream and my personal interest. i would, i DID say that I LOVE them so much. I did. But did ever think what kind of love is that? even if i said they are my world, i mean it, but did you ever think that you're my whole other world?
i never put you up in the same category. cause it's not fair. but right now.
my heart just... hurts.
im sorry but i will choose to cry to Heechul's shoulders if he's here. because i wanted to say that i hate you now. even when i dont mean it.
and you dont have to know whos Heechul is. Just another korean boy that i liked. just ignore him. ignore everything. maybe one day, i wonder if you'll misignored my


im sorry my heart is filled with love for them.
but you just dont have any idea just how much i love you too. if only you can see how much i hate my heart for beating. i hate it. because when it beats it would hurt you. you feeling. since my heart beats for someone else. and its not you. you used to be the reason. USED to. but when you break my heart, i gave it to someone else.
and. he didnt break it yet.
so, my heart is his.
my heart is somewhere far. so far. you wouldnt want to imagine it.
but because of you, it hurts so deep,

i could feel it in my chest.

you just dont know how much tears you made me cry. even now.

so, dont hurt me again. i dont know just how much i could take. hah, you must think im stupid. but im hurt with the smallest thing that people done and with the smallest matter, for smallest words that you never notice hurts me.
i guess im just too sensitive.
it doesnt feel right.
i am easy to please. but easy to hurt too.
even when you smile, it pleases me. but when you said whatever it hurts.

i dont know what im talking about now.

hah, did i even make sense?

for now, i'll ignore that. what you did. i'll pretend like i never got hurt.
i'll pretend like you did nothing.

now, we're back to when i was smiling.
i'm smiling, okay?
i'm smiling.

we're good now, dont we?
we're good now.

i'm forgetting what you did. so please, dont say anything about it. or repeat it.

i'm smiling. now.
we're good. now.

and i still. love you. now.
I love you.
and only that matters now.

spreading red like fire

what do i feel right now?

i'm tired. i'm so so tired. i'm tired of my job. i'm tired of waiting. i'm tired of all the fighting. i'm tired of hoping. i'm tired of living. i'm tired of hearing how my heart would beat endlessly. i'm tired of going to the same place again and again. i'm tired of those looks people gave me. i'm tired of all thos stupid arguments. i'm tired of complaining. i'm tired of breathing. i'm tired of opening my eyes only to realise that i'm alone. i'm tired of not having the life that i wanted. i'm tired of giving up hope. i'm tired of letting my heart burns. i'm tired of feeling sick. i'm tired of hearing everything they said. i'm tired of letting them hear what i'm saying. i'm tired of everything.